By Valentine Atsango
Edited by Imaan Moosa
Valentine Atsango, an electrical engineering student and avid reader from Johannesburg, speaks on her subjective experiences being-Black-in-the-world.
Think about every time you made your black/brown friends the punchline of your joke. Think about how uncomfortable you made them feel and how you made them responsible for diffusing that comfort. Think about every time you've ever asked your friends why they have to make everything about race. We didn't have the vocabulary then but we have the vocabulary now. That's called gaslighting.
Remember every time you ever used the words N** and K** in front of your black friends. Remember that you called them sensitive for reacting and remember that you were only sorry because you were heard. Remember when our names were getting butchered in class. Remember how you laughed and we laughed with you. Remember when we stopped laughing with you. Ask yourself why.
Ask yourself why the only time of the year that you cheered for your black/brown peer was when they are running. Know that kids feared being called racial slurs when they inevitably messed up. I'm sure it's happened. And you wonder why there's low participation in team sports.
Think about every time you heard a teacher say, "This isn't a taxi rank." Remember that you laughed at that too. Or you stayed silent. And you wonder why we stopped raising our hands up in class. Even when we needed help or had the right answer.
I think about all the times I've been told that I'm "not like the others". This is not a compliment. I regret that my obedience was used as a tool to silence my other black/brown peers.
This is the type of thing I'd have loved to write about in my English class but I feared I would've been punished. We sat shoulder-to-shoulder in those classrooms so understand that if you didn't see our wounds, it's not because they weren't there but because you chose not to see them. Or we hid them from you.
Understand that this is not the first time you're hearing any of this but perhaps it's the first time you're taking it seriously. Every other time it was brought up, the response was that you'd rather not talk about it. This is years of not talking about it.
Understand that it took watching the life drain from a black man's eyes for you to start talking about it. Understand that it only took three silent men to allow that murder to happen. Understand that it took black people being murdered in America for you to realize that black people are being murdered in South Africa too.
Please understand that excusing racist behaviour by saying, "We were just kids" is not valid because we were just kids too. And not as many people fought for us. I am grateful to the teacher that nurtured and amplified our voices. They know who they are. There are also teachers who stifled our voices and called it disobedience when it was self-defense. They also know who they are. For those who have watched Get Out, understand that sometimes going to school felt like returning to a sunken place. Think about all the kids that thrived anyway. Think about those who didn't. Ask yourself why they didn't.
So understand that ignorance is an anemic excuse. Understand that trying to explain why #blacklivesmatter is like trying to explain why 1+1+2. Understand that this isn't an attack, it's a call for accountability. Understand that there can be no progress without accountability. Understand that I, and many of your black peers, did not wake up last week wanting to be activists but now we wake up every morning with requests to hold your hand as you navigate your guilt.
To those who are silent, know that your silence started a long time ago. Know that for the last week, every day has been an opportunity for you to end that trend of silence. And you didn't take it. Maybe this feels like a catch 22. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. That's because it is. Welcome to the experience of a black/brown child in a model C high school.
If you're uncomfortable, good. Use your discomfort to start walking a less ignorant path but don't expect your black/brown peers to educate you. If you want to apologize, do so. But only if you're committed to don't better. Understand that some of your friends have burnt that bridge. Respect their boundaries if they don't want to rebuild.
If you can protest the final season of GoT and sign petitions to get it remade, then you can sign petitions for this cause and do your research. If you can locate the four articles in obscure parts of the internet detailing how the gender pay gap is a myth, then you can find the right resources for this. They do not exist in the obscure parts of the internet. They are the first things that pop up.
For all the feminists who are silent on this, know that it is disappointing. How can you grasp gender oppression but can't grasp racial oppression? #Blacklivesmatter is a feminist cause. There will be times when you get it wrong and someone will correct you. Just like you love correcting our English and pronunciation. But we are stronger for it.
Advocating for constitutional rights to be upheld should not be controversial. Self-advocacy should not be controversial. No one is asking you to be perfect. All that is being asked of you is to try harder and do better.
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